Form Before Function

• Tweeting for @tbonetaylor since he broke his phone. “I hate Obama, the Mavs, Kobe, At&t, Mark Cuban, Final Cut, and food with flavor.” #
• Takesha Butler, if you’re out there, please call your probation officer, Linda Munoz. She just left a message on my phone for you. Thanks! #
• I already bought my ticket for this movie. http://bit.ly/13Q7HU (obligatory #squarespace mention) #
• It’s hotter than a fat kid in dodgeball out here. #
• @chrisemmitt I think that’s only fair. #
• @iwarshak Louie, huh? Sounds about right. in reply to iwarshak #
• @iwarshak Navy - somehow, you guys were put in a different league than the rest of us. It’s never happened before. Louie has his…..rep in reply to iwarshak #
• Not updating to iphone 3.0 just because the man tells me to do it. I can live without copy and paste, much like our forefathers did. #
• @tbonetaylor - you’ve bricked my phone from an abundance of stupid before. The new update can’t be worse than that. in reply to tbonetaylor #
• Starting to think it’d be easier to torch all our stuff and start over than pack it. #
• The only improvement I’d make on the tweetdeck app for iPhone is to make it actually work. #
• On one hand, this takes some stress out of moving, but on the other hand, I couldve built the fort to end all forts http://twitpic.com/7t6sj #
• You win, boxes. You win. #

• Get it together, Saltine Cracker Company! #
• If I’m starting a team, I take Lebron. If I need to win 1 game, I take Kobe. If I need a roomie for a ski trip, I take Lebron. #
• @BigRedinTejas @tbonetaylor - I think you guys are missing my ski trip reference. Specifically one in CO. in reply to BigRedinTejas #
• I’ll bet the high powered rinse at the self serve car wash could take a nipple clean off. #
• Orlando should run a play for Marcin Gortat’s nose. #
• Listening to @tbonetaylor talk about WWDC like a little kid on Christmas. Figuring out which kind of wedgie I’m going to give him. #
• I hope the iphone OS 3.0 update includes the ability to make and receive phone calls. #
• Apple’s first official announcement at WWDC 2009: http://bit.ly/bo99s #
• For the record, I’m not against “babies,” nor am I a fan of “not curing cancer,” just because I declined to join facebook groups. #
• A little disappointed at the public response to my 1000th tweet. Rethinking my Twee2k celebration. Canceling the catering spread for sure. #
• Sometimes when I wake up, my hair looks like Hugh Jackman’s in Wolverine. Same with my pecs and abs. #
• @tbonetaylor - It’s not my job to close the deal for you. I can’t hold your hand through the whole process. You screwed it up somewhere in reply to tbonetaylor #
• @tbonetaylor All I know is, she was on board to go with you when I talked to her. And 4 days later, you were dateless. Connect the dots. in reply to tbonetaylor #
• @tbonetaylor I suppose we could turn around and have this conversation. in reply to tbonetaylor #
• I have enough sideburns to feed a small army. Providing said small army eats sideburns. And there are only like two tiny soldiers. #
• I think the only thing that stands in the way of my being a professional athlete is the Cheetos for breakfast. #
• Looking for recommendations for reputable (and reasonably priced) San Antonio moving companies. Any help? #
• If a midget couple has a multi-child birth, The Learning Channel is going to explode. #
• #Squarespace - Please? #
• In case any of my friends ever decide to throw a party with a gigantic slip n slide - I’d like to go ahead and submit my RSVP now. #
• The Spurs were going to take Jameer Nelson the year he was drafted, but Orlando drafted him right ahead of SA. They got Beno. Just sayin’. #
• #squarespace - cmon! I’m still on the 1st gen phone. I’m ostracized from society. (everybody else, ignore these squarespace tweets) #
• Batting practice at 8am? Not sure how I feel about that. (#squarespace) #
• Now that somebody else brought the issue to the forefront, I actually believe that these chickens be jacking my style, as well. #

• “I think it’s funny, and sort of ridiculous when people put something they’ve said down as one of their favorite quotes.” - Steve C. #
• Just once in my life I want to be in a bank while it gets held up by a band of surfers lead by Patrick Swayze. #
• @tbonetaylor - the irony in you going to see Tool is mindblowing. You know it’s a band, right? Not just a tribute to the word. in reply to tbonetaylor #
• Shouting the answer doesn’t make you any more or less correct, Wheel of Fortune lady. #
• You know how, when you’re older, you look back on how stupid you were as a kid? That’s what I think a lot of my friends should do. #
• I’ve decided that, if the technology were available, I would replace my arm with a robot arm. Not sure which arm. Haven’t decided yet. #
• @tbonetaylor - awesome! ask them if you can get tickets to Lilith Fair while you’re down there! in reply to tbonetaylor #
• @jboren and I need to start a dating service #
• How did I never notice John Elway’s misshapen head? #
• Despite what you think, radio station changing old lady in the gym, Chopin does not get people pumped up to work out. #
• I never claimed to be an English professor, but I think I’m ok here, Microsoft. http://twitpic.com/6lz1r #
• @miahcamp you could steal his car and set it on fire. That’s pretty funny. in reply to miahcamp #
• RT @kyleike2: I think someone read @stcrawford’s tweet: http://bit.ly/885eA & turned it into a Threadless shirt: http://bit.ly/Nl9QW #
• The hidden stat in tonights game will be Lebron James FT attempts. #
• Looking for a website that lets me workout online. #
• Was really annoyed by a group of kids at MoMaks last night. Wondering if there’s a legally acceptable reason for a 29 y/o to punch an 11 y/o #
• @tbonetaylor already one? Really? One? in reply to tbonetaylor #
• @tbonetaylor iPhone autocorrected won to one? They’re nowhere near each other. It’d be like autocorrecting “fajitas” to “dictionary.” #

• Does anybody have cheat codes for Sorenson Squeeze? Looking for a mega-fast flash encode and/or 100 extra lives. #
• I think bakery reality shows are created only for the opportunity for them to say “this one takes the cake” #
• 170 FTA combined in the last two NBA playoff games. Really? #
• I submit that there is not a more distinctive smell than Fritos in the entire world. #
• Clutch play by Varajao being a Lebron James teammate, therefore not having that obvious foul called on him. #
• I’ll bet a Turkoglu/Billups Finals matchup was like choice 1a on the NBA wishlist behind Kobe/Lebron. #
• @tbonetaylor these teams are closer in reply to tbonetaylor #
• @tbonetaylor I’m not a Lebron detractor. I’m just not a Lebron anointer, like you are. You’ve already called him one of the best ever. in reply to tbonetaylor #
• @stuartcabesa To be fair - he’s only been alive since like ‘99. He only knows Shawn Kemp as 350lbs and Jordan as the baseball player. in reply to stuartcabesa #
• Whenever they talk about somebody’s “own unique style of dance,” they really mean “crappy ridiculous style of dance.” #
• @Lisacrawford it’s not you, it’s me in reply to Lisacrawford #
• @tbonetaylor im guessing Kobe got a call you disapprove of? You didn’t write this after James tripped over himself yesterday. in reply to tbonetaylor #
• @tbonetaylor this is the greatest display of fighting back to still be in a 3-2 hole ever! I can’t wait for the Disney movie about it. in reply to tbonetaylor #
• @normalguyguide the best feel good movie since “Maybe next year: The Buffalo Bills Story” in reply to normalguyguide #
• People I hate doing stupid things I don’t care about. It’s The Duel on MTV. #
• @tbonetaylor dude…you called them Thuggets at work the other day. in reply to tbonetaylor #
• Listening to people arguing the merits of Twitter. #
• @Lisacrawford of course you are, dear in reply to Lisacrawford #

• House hunting would be a lot more fun if we were stinkin rich #
• 29 years old today. I feel very distinguished. I need a nap. #
• @SchusterFilms thanks man. If you need any wisdom from somebody very wise, feel free to ask. in reply to SchusterFilms #
• Thanks, everybody, for the birthday messages. I’d like to personally buy each of you an age appropriate drink. I won’t, but that’d be neat. #
• I was reading the manual for my oven, seeing if there were any cheat codes, and discovered that my oven has a Sabbath feature. #
• Update: “Sabbath” feature on my oven refers to Jewish holidays, not Crazy Train. Severely disappointed. #
• Totally mailing in the workout this morning. Does merely BEING at the gym constitute exercise? #
• @tbonetaylor Maybe you should make a list of things you actually like. It’d be easier to keep track of. I have a post-it you can borrow in reply to tbonetaylor #
• You know that kid who was bailed out of a foreign jail cause friends saw his tweet? Wondering if that works for somebody out of toilet paper #
• In my research, I’ve found that most arguments can be diffused by telling the other party that they’re “acting like a wiener.” #
• On house arrest, being that Lisa took all the car keys to work. #
• Watching ALF on Hulu. This was not on my to-do list when I woke up. I don’t know what happened. #
• I don’t remember pre-marital counseling covering what to do when being forced to eat a sock. #
• @seeshellirun cmon. You lobbed this one to me. in reply to seeshellirun #
• There’s a Lebron, a Delonte, a Zydrundas, a Sasha, an Anderson, and a Courtney on the court right now. And a Joe Smith. #
• @normalguyguide I haven’t been that pumped since Montell Jordan released that Spurs song about “Terry Cummings gonna put it in your neck” in reply to normalguyguide #
• I had a really smart aleck “we are all witnesses” tweet ready, but I think I’ll hang on to that one. #
• @samlerma there are five of us. 3 on twitter in reply to samlerma #

• Apple juice is probably one of my favorite types of juice that comes from an apple. #
• Trying to come up with a title for my new album - in the event that I ever take up music and progress in it enough to record an album. #
• @normalguyguide every mothers day, my mom wants to go out for wings and beer. It’s something I don’t question. It seems like a possible trap in reply to normalguyguide #
• I guess the name Glen “Big Fatty Fat Head” Davis was taken. #
• Ray Allen, Paul Pierce and Rajon Rondo on the floor and Doc runs a play for a 20 foot Glen Davis jumper. Can’t argue with results, but…. #
• Glen Davis’s head looks squishy to the touch. #
• @kyleike2 - dude…that thing was the size of a stegosaurus. in reply to kyleike2 #
• I want hazard pay. Or a set of nunchakus to protect myself during the work day. #
• Can’t believe nobody’s talking about this Lebron Jones guy. He very well could be the next Aaron McKie. #
• Ooooh, Time Warner! If you were a person, I’d punch you straight in the gullet. #
• I wonder if the real Mafia conducts business through Facebook, or a similar social networking site. #
• We are so cool and thoughtful #
• I sure could go for some super powers right now. Maybe an omelette, also. #
• Never has a tv show been more appropriately named than “Lost.” They shouldve kept the original title, “WTF?” #
• Going to dinner here. Let me know if you want to join: http://bit.ly/GCTbc #
• About to start my pre-BBQ gluttony calesthenics and looking for my fat pants #
• Wondering if there’s a scientific backing behind facebook’s “which dog/car/cartoon character/dairy product/type of wood/etc are you” tests. #
• If Twitter allowed 200 characters, I’d be friggin’ Confucius. But, with only 140 at my disposal, I am limited to only inane musings. #
• @kkingery - you have just challenged me to start giving my updates in haiku form. no telling when this will start. in reply to kkingery #

• @kyleike2 seriously? What happened? in reply to kyleike2 #
• @kyleike2 we just need to accept that Ed will never again be well in reply to kyleike2 #
• @tbonetaylor he’s right dude. Stop playing the “four titles” card. The cowboys have five superbowls and they’re the current NFL joke in reply to tbonetaylor #
• @tbonetaylor I’ve been in many a conversation with you where you trash the Lakers. Seems hypocritical, no? in reply to tbonetaylor #
• I don’t think any human being on the planet enjoys his job more than Chris Hansen from Dateline. #
• Full Vid of the Pacquiao/Hatton fight: http://tiny.cc/U7W7j #
• Dear Twitterverse - If you’re reading this, I’m already gone. Frozen to death in my office. Stewart, too. Please finish the editing. #
• @tbonetaylor dude, no he isn’t. He’s being completely facetious. Do you really think he believes that a pass is “the greatest one ever made? in reply to tbonetaylor #
• @tbonetaylor re: Turkoglu - because the Hedo you see now isn’t the one SA had. He sucked here. Played scared and was the anti-clutch. in reply to tbonetaylor #
• Tuesday night softball. 10:15 pm and the game before us still has 20 minutes left. Awesome. #
• Pro: we have an offer on our house that has been agreed to.

  Con: they want to close June 12.

  Pro: Two awesome roomies up for grabs. #

• Searching Amazon to see if “more wishes” is available to put on my wish list. Or maybe a nap. Or invisibility. #
• Just watched Gangland. Now about to take my donk with the candy paint and some cheese to get some “corned beef hash.” Sheez. #
• Our automatic trashcan is broken. Now we have to manually open it to throw stuff away like commonfolk. I’m saddened to live this life. #
• @iwarshak through Sportslife? in reply to iwarshak #
• @iwarshak yeah, we’ve played together for about 6 years in reply to iwarshak #
• Swashbuckling the Hallmark Graduation because I believe in success. With special Twitter guest, Mr. @bowen12 http://twitpic.com/4ujx5 #
• Dom DeLuise dead on Tuesday. Dom DiMaggio dead on Thursday. Dom Irerra may want to stay home this weekend. #
• Just got back from voting. Very excited about the possibility of Trish DeBerry representing the NFC in the 2010 Pro Bowl. #
• @tbonetaylor is attempting to jailbreak my phone. If it doesn’t work, I’m going to kickbreak his face. #
• Sweet. Jailbreak failed. Now I have a $300 travel size picture of the Apple logo. #
• I don’t ever want to remember the world before DVR. I’ll bet people in 3rd world countries have to watch shows live. Suckers. #
• Crawling up the stairs backwards on your hands and knees is not nearly as easy as they make it look in movies. #

• If I had to rank Dallas’s draft with A being best and F being worst - I’d give it the middle finger. I just want to pee on my television. #
• @tbonetaylor Any semblance of hope I had left me when we drafted a kicker in the 5th round….and we have a probowl kicker, already in reply to tbonetaylor #
• @tbonetaylor I thought you were vehemently opposed to Castro #
• Getting super pumped about early voting today. Can’t wait to show my support to whoever’s name I decide to check at the poll whenever I go. #
• Remembering Bea Arthur all day today. Until 11:30, and then I just have a lot of other stuff I need to take care of. #
• @txnewsgirl Yeah - he’s at work today (I work with Taylor) in reply to txnewsgirl #
• Microsoft Word - a critical update? You should have notified me when it was serious or guarded. I wish it hadn’t gotten to this point. #
• @tbonetaylor do you have a verbal/written “tool” quota you have to meet each day or something? Or a PG13 version of Tourettes, perhaps? in reply to tbonetaylor #
• @Lisacrawford Look at the options! How many times have we been attacked by Libyan terrorists only to be thwarted by our vehicle? Too many. in reply to Lisacrawford #
• Evidently people thought *I* was selling *my* car — however I’m not, and I urge you to read this: http://bit.ly/9ZsIi #
• @tbonetaylor - game hasn’t started yet, if you can’t tell from where you’re sitting. I’ll text you when it gets underway. #
• @tbonetaylor 52-48 at half. You’ll know it when the cheers and lights from the scoreboard reach you. in reply to tbonetaylor #
• @normalguyguide - we finally got rid of ‘y’all ready for this…’. Anything else is just gravy. in reply to normalguyguide #
• @tbonetaylor they’ll probably be watching round two. in reply to tbonetaylor #
• @tbonetaylor very doubtful. Dude, they thrashed San Antonio. Just accept it, they’re the far better team right now. in reply to tbonetaylor #
• Gone Spurs Gone #
• Swine Flu has killed thousands since January!! http://tinyurl.com/dnj9n4 … oh..wait…that’s the regular flu that we’ve had forever #
• Know what else has killed 140 in Mexico and threatened millions of lives around the world? My fists. #
• @iwarshak - worst slideshow ever. Not even exciting. in reply to iwarshak #
• @iwarshak - it wouldn’t have killed you to work in the Ken Burns effect is all I’m saying. Maybe a cross dissolve. in reply to iwarshak #
• @iwarshak I’m sure it serves its purpose “professionally” but there wasn’t one LOLcat in there. And honestly, I think we all expected one in reply to iwarshak #
• @txnewsgirl is it neisd? in reply to txnewsgirl #
• @tbonetaylor I heard it was Hardy Oak - which is NEISD. But she’ll know better, obviously. Hoping NEISD closes like Comal for Lisa’s sake in reply to tbonetaylor #
• @iwarshak I’ve got three different types of explosions and a Rob Zombie song ready. You just say the word. in reply to iwarshak #
• I hate it when people have long casual phone conversations in crowded quiet places. Yes…you…guy next to me. I’m talking about you. #
• @txnewsgirl can you pull some strings and get neisd to shut down for a bit? in reply to txnewsgirl #
• I’ve been making fun of the people panicking about Swine Flu, and now I have a stomach virus. Well played, karma. Well played. #

I didn’t write this, but I’m about to blow our savings to buy it, because I’ve been looking for one of these on carmax.

From craigslist.

—-

NINJA HAULER: 2005 Nissan Xterra - $12900 (Ronan / Lake County)

OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o’clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly.

It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn’t meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that’s what your Prius is for. If that’s the kind of car you’re looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.

This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn’t even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don’t get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn’t let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don’t even know what the hell On Star is).

No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It’s got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you’re operating on yourself. The Xterra also has an automatic transmission so if you’re being chased by Libyan terrorists, you’ll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time. It’s saved my bacon more than once.

It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There’s a tow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man.

My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $12,900, but I’ll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don’t walk up and tell me you’ll give me $5,000 for it. That’s liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let’s just say you won’t be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.

• Strange. A google search for “Final Cut Pro is being a fickle whore” turns up 0 results. #
• The only thing I enjoy more than going to the gym at 6am, is doing just about anything else. #
• This is going to be cumbersome, but I hate getting pinched: http://twitpic.com/26kpw #
• @editblog - don’t even listen to @kyleike2. He’s an Avid shill. Avid could stab his father and he’d find a way to pin it on Final Cut. #
• Killing time until my 10pm softball game - which is as stupid as it sounds. #
• Home from softball. At friggin midnight. #
• @SchusterFilms just stick with it. You’ll never understand seasons 4 & 5 if you skip it in reply to SchusterFilms #
• Home after giving some tennis lessons. #