As many of you know - actually, as all eight of my readers should know…being that three of you work the same office as me, three of you are related to him, one is me, and one is dad himself - my dad is the facilities manager here at work. I don’t know exactly what the job entails, but I have noticed some people disappear, and are never spoken of again. Another part of his job description is sending out mass emails to the staff. So, i decided to search through my inbox (2796 messages as of this post), and post some of my favorites.

Sadly, I only have them archived from 2008 - and he’s been doing this for five years.  There are probably some pretty good ones still out there stuck in one of the internet tubes.

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Subject: Temporary Maintenance Procedures

During David Briggs’ temporary absence, we’re all going to gain a greater appreciation of all that he does for the church on a daily basis. David is like a ninja mechanic. He slips in quietly, repairs things and is gone, before most of us know that something was even broken. Unfortunately, that is going to change a bit until he is able to return. Until that time, your “want to haves” will receive a much lower priority that your “have to haves”. If you have the means to accomplish your own “want to haves”, please do so. Effective immediately, I am invoking emergency procedures, and assuming responsibility for all maintenance requests under the authority of Man Law #3. Until further notice, please submit all of your maintenance requests to me.

Man Law #3

I am a man
I can fix anything
I may procrastinate, but I will get it done
I do not need to ask questions, or read instructions
I am a man, I can fix anything
Only after I have caused more damage and doubled the repair cost, will I even consider calling a professional
I am a man.

For the sake of David and his family, please continue to pray for a swift and complete recovery.
For the sake of the church, please continue to pray for David’s swift and complete recovery.

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Subject: Really Strange Smell Alert

As you walk along A corridor toward the SWC, you will notice a strange smell.  Your first inclination will be to call me and report it.  Let me reassure you that many of your co-workers have already done so and I will not be impressed by your call.  It comes from a chemical that our plumber is using to try to unstop the mop sink drain in the housekeeping store room.  We’re sealing up the sink as much as possible to minimize the smell and will use a hydro jet on it tomorrow.  Early indications are it was caused by years of dirty mop water, with a suspicion of tile thin set or grout.  However, coffee stir sticks have not been completely ruled out.
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Subject: An object lesson found in a passage from the book of Robert C


And the people were crowded and disorganized.  They were scattered across the land.  So, they chose one of their own and named him facility manager and they said, “give us offices to work in.  And while you’re at it, make us warm in the winter and cool in the summer.”  And so, he arranged them in groups of one, two and three and he gave them offices.  He gave them objects of warming and cooling and the people were content.  He then gave them a means to control the objects of warming and cooling and he named them thermostats, and it was good.  And the people rejoiced.   But soon they began to stir, and their rejoicing turned to discontent.  They cried, “you gave us offices to work in and objects of warming and cooling.  Yet, we are cold when our thermostats say we should be warm.”  He went to the source of discontent and implored, “removeth thee thine lamp stand from its nearness to the thermostat.  For ye have caused a great heat to envelop the thermostat and have caused it to become confused.”    And when they did, the thermostat immediately understood that the room was cold and not warm.  And the room again became filled with warmth from the object of heating and the people rejoiced.  And it was good.

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Subject: Security

I am asking everyone on this list to try something for me to see if we can’t create a protective force field over the church.  I would like everyone to visualize approaching the church and finding the gates locked.  See yourself parking outside the gates and walking across an empty parking lot.  As you have this picture in your mind, please say out loud three times, “if the gates are locked and the parking lot is empty, the building alarms are turned on.  My badge will not turn off the alarms”.  Thank you.

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Subject: Really Exciting Security News

Our elevator card access reader has finally been installed and will become active on Friday.  The elevators have been programmed to operate normally (without use of your card) Monday - Thursday from 7:00 AM till 6:00 PM.  But at 6:00 PM each evening, Security will lock the doors to the third floor and you will need to use your card to travel to the third floor via the elevator.  Third floor access will also be restricted for all of Friday through Sunday.  If you ever need to access the third floor during these restricted hours, simply hold your card up to the reader and then push the floor button.

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Subject: Lightbulb Science Lesson

Incandescent bulbs waste energy.
Incandescent bulbs are hot.
Lots of incandescent bulbs in a small office will make the office hot.
Hot office workers will complain to the Facility Manager.
The Facility Manager will have little sympathy.

Compact florescent bulbs utilize much less energy.
Compact florescent bulbs are not hot.
Lots of compact florescent bulbs in a small office will not make the office hot.
Compact florescent bulbs will not lessen the ambience of the office.
Office workers will be happy and comfortable.
The Facility Manager will be happy.
Everybody wins.

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Subject: Things I do not understand


I have trouble imagining the infinite size of the universe.  It is more than my mind can comprehend.

I wonder if aliens really exist and if so, are they actually that goofy looking?

I wonder where squash bugs go when there is no squash, but magically appear as soon as you plant it.

I wonder why three people, specifically RM, JM and RVH would park their vehicles precariously close to where we have been moving gravel.  My thought is that they would want to move them.  If you know these folks, could you gently suggest that there are safer places to park?

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Subject: Exciting Pea Gravel News

If any of you have a note on your shopping list to pick up pea gravel at the store, this is your lucky day.  We have an abundance of gently used pea gravel from the play ground and we (I) need to get rid of it.  You are welcome to back your truck, station wagon or even sedan up to our plentiful pea gravel pile and take as much as you please.  Please limit yourself to no more than 100 cubic yards, because that is about all we have to offer.  It’s free, it’s available and it’s yours for the taking.

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Subject: Fire Drill Time Again

I had intended to send this message out yesterday, but I put the reminder to myself to send it out yesterday on the calendar for today.  So, if you will, please pretend that this is Monday for a moment so I can inform you that there will be another childcare fire drill tomorrow at 10:00.  So, when you hear it go off today at 10:00, please recall that you were informed of it yesterday.

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Subject: They’re Back!


We thought they had moved on, but alas, this is still Texas and centipedes are still part of our ecosystem.  A small band of roaming centipedes has decided to reoccupy our property and a few of their scouts have been confronted inside our buildings.  Most recently, one was encountered on stage by our orchestra director during the 11:00 service.  By some accounts, this one was at least 18″ long.

As far as we can determine, these are a domestic strain of centipedes that just like to be around humans.  They are still vicious and will deliver a painful bite…they just don’t mean anything by it.  Regardless, your best defense against any centipede, domestic or otherwise is to stomp the crud out of it.  However, there is a proper technique to effective centipede stomping.  Simply, step down forcefully of the critter and then drag your foot along the carpet.  This works best if you have rubber soled shoes.  If employed properly, this technique will roll him or her up pretty good and mess up his or her little legs quite severely.

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Subject: Facility News


One day after I have retired to the “home” and I’m taking a stroll down memory lane, 9/16/08 will not be a day that I will choose to happily reflect on for very long.  For those of you residing on the North end of the third floor Ivory Tower, we will continue working on the mystery of why we don’t have AC.  I’m bringing in high priced consultants of all sorts to solve this problem.  So far, we’re failing miserably.

For everyone else, please do not be tempted to move the orange cones set in the road in front of the sanctuary.  Tomorrow morning we will be digging up the road to uncover what looks to be a rather serious underground water line break that, if not repaired, could threaten to swallow us all into a massive sink hole.  On the bright side, we’ll make the national news if it happens.   Have a nice day.

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Subject: Maintenance Requests

Please email all maintenance or project requests to Brian Dorris and cc me.  We’re implementing a logging, tracking and scheduling system that will facilitate better use of our time and materials.  It will also allow us to ignore some of your “over-the-top” requests in a more professional and expeditious manner.

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Subject: The day just got better!

I have great news for everyone!  While you’re waiting for your adrenaline to settle back down to a manageable level after the fire drill, why don’t you take the time to come on up to the 3rd floor work room and pick up your very own copy of the new phone book and Yellow Pages.  We only have a limited number of books so I’ll need to ask everyone to limit yourself to no more than three copies of each.  However, if you act now, I’ll double the offer and you may take six of each.  Be the envy of your younger office workers…while they are fumbling with the internet or their I-phones, you can experience the nostalgic satisfaction of newsprint on your fingers.  Hurry!

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